Cynosure

How did I become this? I wanted to become a person who can rely on herself and help others rely on her. I am ending up destroying myself by depending on others and seeking their attention. I love attention so much, it makes me anxious and I’m not good at crowd control, but it makes me feel important. I put effort into being unique, someone who is into things that others are not, someone who has the talents others don’t. Making efforts like this makes me feel fake and as if I’m developing a personality with effort. It isn’t supposed to be like that, is it? Can you create your own personality with effort? Isn’t it meant to be something you already have? Would this mean I have no personality?

But if we go with this chain of thought, you can debate about it saying that kids basically don’t have a personality at all and they experience things and adapt with them, grow and develop taste in different things.

I hate myself sometimes. I hate how I’ve become. The intensity of my negative emotions are scary to me and I feel so out of control. The jealousy, especially. I cannot stand it when someone gives me attention and takes it away, or lets me know that the attention I receive from them is the same attention they give the rest of the world. It makes me feel insignificant. I feel insignificant in their lives, and I hate that. What is the point of me existing if I’m insignificant to anybody around me?

Humans are social animals. I’ve heard this quote oh-so-many times. It’s branded into me. If we are social animals, would that mean that our worth or significance depends on how others perceive us? If it does mean that, what level of significance are we talking about? People getting insulted in the name of attention is still attention, but would the significance of your existence be proved by that? If your accomplishments are never noticed by others and nobody knows you at all, would you be significant to everyone around you?

Being important to yourself is basic. If you’re not significant to yourself, get therapy, you’re probably suicidal. That’s not the point. Loving yourself and prioritizing yourself is cool, but if you’ve never contributed to society or if nobody’s bothered you about it, would you feel significant? I don’t think the amount of self-love you have would affect the unworthy feeling you get when you’re insignificant. Sometimes, I feel very optimistic about it. I wouldn’t care what people think about me. And yet, I flaunt the skills I’m good at (those bare minimum talents I happen to have) and I love the appreciation. And the criticism. Anything that can improve my skills and also feed my attention-seeking quirk.

I wish to be a wise person with knowledge filled in me that is just unique and quirky. Like knowing how to paint and mix colours and actually paint and create art. Art. It’s such a special thing. Poetry and Art are the things I need to build my personality into, they’re beautiful things and I aim to have a beautiful personality. Next comes music and history. Imagine knowing the stories of old ages and people who lived back then, imagine knowing the names and stories of music composers and knowing what they felt while listening to their compositions. It’s like magic. It’s so beautiful. Then there’s people, social norms and body language, the tone of your voice or the silent innuendos. It all spikes my interest so much that I cannot get enough of it. There are so many kinds of gestures, eye contact and quirks that everybody has. (Do not make a disability joke, no.) There is so so soo much to learn in this world, it’s very exciting and overwhelming. And then on the other side of the spectrum, there is science. Can you imagine that almost everything here has an explanation as to why it exists or takes place, and knowing all the reasons? Well yeah, it’ll take years to soak in all the knowledge but the fun part is learning how much ever you can.

My thoughts are all over the place and I’m never going to organize this piece of… all the words in my head coming out here.

I love the fact that I feel so strongly. I hate that fact too, but it feels very human. I love and hate feeling human. Jealousy makes me do a lot of regrettable things and I feel immensely guilty about them, but on the other hand, the obsession and ecstasy I feel are so intense that I forget about the world around me and I get goosebumps all over my body when it drowns in the said emotions. It feels very magical. I love the feeling of passion and pain, it makes me cry out because there is no other way in which I can express myself. Tears are my indication of showing emotions, no matter what they are, just that they are intense emotions.

I am a human being. A very emotional, irrational at times and a confusing human being. I love myself so much but sometimes I feel like I’m the one most pathetic excuse of life ever. I feel very selfish and conceited, and I tell myself that it’s okay to be that way because it’s not necessarily a bad trait. Nothing in this world is ever a good or a bad trait. I’ve stopped classifying things into good and bad, and it’s made me look beyond my perspectives. I’ve become a lot more empathetic, which in my case again, is self-destructive. I will work on that. I have a lot of things to work on, it’ll all be worked on continuously in time. We’re all developing. Whatever we do, we learn. Destructive learning and constructive learning is up to all of us, but learning happens no matter what, whether we wanted it to happen or not. It’s one thing that isn’t in our control.

It’s okay to be petty sometimes, it’s okay to make unhealthy decisions, it’s okay to be jealous and sad about the things you cannot have. And it’s okay to be human. We make mistakes, we realise they’re mistakes and we learn from them. Eventually, we become better versions of what we aim to be and we are slowly getting closer to what we wish to be.

I don’t really like what I am right now. But that’s okay too, only because I promise myself that I will work on it. I will try controlling the intense emotions but I would definitely not suppress them. I would try seeking more knowledge on things I would love to know about. I will put in the effort. I will build my personality. It’s not too late. It’s never too late. Even if I think that building my personality by putting in the effort is incorrect, I would do it because I have no other option to reach my goal of ideal personality. Ideal doesn’t always mean perfect.

I wish I don’t keep things for the future and end up passing them to the next generation instead of developing them into myself. I don’t want to burden the next generation with my ideologies, it would be like force-feeding them. Or pampering depends on how they take it. If it’s my kids, they would definitely take it quietly and I would hate myself for that, again.

“When you are attracted to people, it’s because of the details. Their kindness. Their eyes. The fact that they can get you to laugh when you need it the most.”

– Jodi Picoult

There are a lot of quotes that I admire, and this is one of them. I strive to be the kind of person who can make others feel better about themselves and the world they live in. Yeah, the world is unfair and shitty yada yada blah blah, I totally genuinely agree with that. But it’s so much more than just sham, drudgery and broken dreams (took that from a poem btw) and I want to be someone who can make people realise that for even a second. I want to be significant. Also, Jodi Picoult is awesome, pls read her books.

I’ve been meaning to write something for so so long, but words never came to me like they did today. This isn’t even a blog, it’s similar to a diary entry with a lot of introspection. I definitely needed this more than you needed to read this xD

Kthnxbye.