Endeavours

It has been a reaaally long time since I’ve written here.

Welcome back! Or if you’re miraculously new here (I really don’t think anyone keeps tabs on this dead website anymore haha) I warmly welcome you to read about everything related to me. I’m a narcissist. I love myself.

Sometimes, I don’t, but let’s not get into that here already. If you’ve read my other posts which were about a year ago, you’d know about my not-so-awesome moments. Yeah downright ranting and screaming through a screen! All I can say now is, I’ve become better at handling myself and controlling my emotions.

Snape’s voice still echoes in my head screaming, “Control your emotions! Discipline your mind!”

01:17

Alright well, I wanted to write something, anything, just freaking smash my keyboard with overflowing thoughts because my handwriting’s turned crappy and I wouldn’t want to write something that I won’t be able to read later. Sheesh, I’m rambling. Anyways, I looked up some writing prompts because my brain is too lazy to think of what to write and I found some interesting ones.

Oh goddamn. Now that I think about what I would type here, it all leads to me ranting and rambling about random stuff.

This post will have errors. Grammatical or spelling mistakes, places where I could’ve used a better word for description. It isn’t perfect. It’s just, me. Being a grammar Nazi myself, I avoid making obvious mistakes but they happen. Forgive me. Or don’t, I’m writing for myself anyways. It’s not like this will get graded or something hah.

Crushes are nice. They’re cute and harmless. Until the moment they aren’t. Hahah, not trying to be ominous.

Oh! An update since the last blog post I’ve written (which feels like a decade ago), I have become an avid anime watcher. All genres and all kinds of animations. I find myself liking the language more every day and the small snippets of culture and traditions I get to see. I also started reading Manga and applied for a course in learning the Japanese language (months months monnnths ago which I almost forgot) and the culture of Japan. It’s… really beautiful. Until again, it isn’t.

Oh sheesh, why do I do this? Yashwi stop making things that are nice and cute ominous. Please.

It’s been a loong loong time since I’ve read any of the Harry Potter books, or even watched the movies. I’m not a movie person until it comes to Science fiction or classics or Japanese movies.

I like Love. It’s so chaotic and peaceful at the same time. I know I’m hopping over topics like a rabbit. I just miss my books.

Have you read The Witch of Portobello? It’s a fucking masterpiece. I read it like the Bible. The thoughts and ideas about abstract topics like love and passion and devotion just resonate so deeply within me, it’s shocking to know there’s a book about everything I believe in. It’s a beautiful book. I command you to read it. Or text me your address and name, I’ll deliver it to you. Gift. The best freaking gift of your life. If you like reading books, that is. That book is the closest anything or anyone has ever gotten to me. I cried at the sheer amazement of how much relatable its ideas are. I’d happily gift it to you. Don’t care who you are if you want to read it.

I’m sorry I’m rambling again.

There are so many things I have no idea about. Did you know that in the Philippines they consider taking your menstrual blood and wiping it all over your face to prevent acne? I did not know. Colour me vividly shocked when my friend told me about it. I hope I hadn’t found out while doing my own assignment haha.

Okay I need to sleep I have loads of things to study for I HAVE MY FORENSIC EXAM TOMORROW AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Love yourself, don’t ask why. See ya

23:58

Update – Today is exactly a week after my Forensic exam, I did great! I’m awesome haha.

We’ve had loads of tests after that and I keep forgetting the dates for assignments. I haven’t washed my dinner containers yet and I’m too lazy to do my laundry. Living alone is… peaceful, but it magnifies my laziness a lot more than the original level. The world is in chaos. I keep having the same old gruesome and extremely graphic and vivid nightmares of some stranger slitting my throat. It’s SO graphical, I wake up sweating in the middle of the night and notice that my roommate is sleeping soundly. Not like my sleep schedule isn’t bad already.

Yes, I’m ranting. Probably would post this piece of shit later, but who knows? If I feel the need to impress someone with my oh-so-optimistic life filled with peace and love and kindness, I wouldn’t post it. Screw that anyways, judge me for what I am instead of things I pretend to be.

The nightmare usually goes like this –

It’s an old house and I’m visiting them for a while, I don’t know who but there’s a woman and her daughter, both in white dresses. The door to my room in which I am supposed to be spending the night is slightly crooked, so it doesn’t lock. There’s a mirror beside the door and next to it is a bathroom. The bathroom is covered with a sheet of the curtain, so no door there too.

If the room had brighter colours, it would’ve looked cosy and welcoming, even with the crooked door and doorless bathroom. It’s all shades of brown and grey though, so yeah.

I am meant to change into a white dress when I go to bed, it’s some kind of rule, don’t ask me. So yeah, I change and sleep. And suddenly the point of view changes, and I’m watching myself sleep in the third person. A man enters my room, his arms are naked and he’s wearing something loose with strips on it. Probably a loose shirt. He’s carrying a knife in his right hand. It’s a carving knife, but not very sharp. So you need brute force to actually get through cutting something.

I think you know where I’m going with this. I’d like to insert a trigger warning here. About what? Uh, just be 18+ please haha.

He walks to my sleeping form and stuffs the thing people stuff in your mouth so that you can’t scream. I’m still sleeping like the dead. Sigh, Yashwi. He doesn’t sit next to me or on top of me to show dominance. He grabs my throat with his left hand and squeezes it. I finally wake up, sigh. Now I don’t know when this happens, but my arms and legs are tied up. I’m in my white plain boring dress with a brown sheet over me, similar to the ones we get to use on train journeys. The dirty brown woollen sheet which you would sneeze in if you inhaled it.

He chokes me while I stare at him in horror. I can’t do anything, or maybe I was too paralyzed to even know what was happening. His ugly face grinned at me while he slowly brought his right hand to my neck and oh-so-leisurely pressed the cold metal to it. It didn’t bleed yet. I couldn’t scream, move, or do anything to escape. He slowly started moving around the knife all over my neck like he was painting on a canvas.

Ah man, I can feel it in real life haha.

Suddenly a time skip happens and I’m still in the third person here. I see myself waking up, the thing in my mouth was gone but I dared not to squeak a sound. My arms and legs were free and the door to the room was ajar. The blanket (or sheet, whatever) over me was perfectly sprawled over me, clean and neat. I shakily moved my hands to the bed runner and pulled the sheets off of me. Touched my neck slightly and felt the wetness on my hands.

I’m typing this with zero emotions, it’s hilarious.

I got off the bed and walked to the mirror next to the door. The dream is now suddenly in the first person. I slowly walk to the mirror and stand in front of it. The sight I see is of a woman in a red splashed dress with a wrecked slashed neck covered with so much blood all over.

Her face is blotched and her eyes are tired and weak. She probably cried. She tried speaking but couldn’t. The sad part is that she hadn’t died. The mysterious ugly man didn’t kill her.

Go ahead and analyse the dream in a very Freud way.

Oh boy, why had I titled this blog post “Endeavors”? Feels like there’s dark humour somewhere.

Painting and typing are similar to meditation for me. It gives me the peace of mind I look for and it helps reduce stress. Even if there’s a test in less than 15 hours. Spoiler – I might fail. But typing about it gives me a strange sense of confidence. It’s probably a false sense, but well, good enough I guess haha.

It’s almost 1AM. Somewhat early to sleep but the right time to go to bed. Yes, I did mention before about my very healthy sleep schedule.

We’re all sleep-deprived here. Functioning on a maximum of 5 hours of sleep and taking short naps during classes. It isn’t supposed to be like this. We’re ruining ourselves. I’m ruining myself. Knowing about it and how to make it better just makes me more dumb and stupid since I don’t follow what I think is right. Right? I mean healthy. What’s right?

Oh, that’s another topic. Sheesh. Do I post this or wait another week to rant about something else like I did tonight? I want to post it to be done with it, but I want to continue writing so that you don’t need to read more posts of me with my rants and nightmares.

Oh? Did she say nightmares–Like, in plural? Yeah, she did. It’s cute.

Oh, I turned 20 recently. Feels normal. I still don’t feel like an adult, mostly because of the number of lame mistakes I make. Oh well everybody makes mistakes–But that’s no excuse you can use all the time haha. People around me made me feel loved, people who aren’t around me too. Birthdays are nice. Too much positivity and happy vibes.

I wish every day were a birthday. Not mine, of course, I’m narcissistic but not THAT much. I think I wish more for the happy nice vibes than literal birthdays.

The world is chaotic. I’m contributing nothing to it to make it more bearable. Well, I try, but it cannot help the majority of the people and that makes me feel worthless haha. I feel so happy when I make someone laugh, or feel good about themselves or just… I like to make others feel good. Can you imagine the power you have when you make someone laugh? Like they felt better when you made them laugh. They connected with your words or actions and responded with laughter, heightening the positive emotions around you. It’s a nice feeling.

I think I’ll end this for the night. Probably try to sleep or read a book. Reading books is such a stimulator to keeping awake though, I probably won’t read a book now.

Or maybe I would. Only time and mood can tell haha.

I need to stop “haha”-ing so much. Most of it is so sarcastic that it hurts my eyes when I read it again. If you’ve come till here, I respect you much much more than before. Wholeheartedly and genuinely.

You have no idea how good it feels when someone reads what you type. Or write. One single compliment makes my whole month. Sometimes I can’t believe that what I write actually makes sense to other people, readers like you, so I always assume I’m bullshitting my way through it. But then again, these thoughts come after I write something, which is great since I don’t get distracted from my point or goal of writing (which usually doesn’t exist). I personally find writing better, it’s got the personal touch to it. You can imagine the writer’s hand holding the pen and following through the script, look at the words joined by letters and how they all come together. You can also feel what the writer was feeling while writing the particular piece. It’s got a personal touch all in all, and that’s something I find really beautiful.

Okay yes, time to go. You’re awesome and you deserve everything good in the world. Drink water, relax your eyebrows and seize your days.

Kthnxbye